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To my beautiful girls,

Hi <3 It has been entirely too long.

Kesh, Danger might your middle name, but it sounds like it shouldn’t be your last. A month and a half away from the ‘biggest’ birthday of my so-called life, I met someone who literally thinks that the world shits rainbows. “Every morning when I wake up,” he told me, “I just touch the back of my neck, and I’m just so happy to be alive. It’s just so awesome.”

Coming from anyone else, I would have thought this the statement of a nut case. Coming from him, it’s different. He has slowly made me realize that to be happy, you need nothing but good music and enough food to get by. You don’t need anyone. You don’t need anything. You need yourself and your sanity (I suppose that sanity is optional, too).

Anyway, the point is that you don’t need someone else, and you shouldn’t live your life for other people. Maybe he was what you needed at that time you met, but since then you’ve changed and what you need him to be for you has changed. It’s not your responsibility to stand posed on a pedestal for him to admire and seek protection from.

While I do think that we have a responsibility not to harm others, I don’t think that letting him go would hurt him. Not in the long run anyway.

Punzel, I hope you’re doing well in your land far away <3 I get to see you this weekend!! xD

ltr

Hi.

How are you? Its been a while. A lot has happened since I last wrote, and I have a lot on my mind tonight, so I think I’ll just spit it out. 

When I met Danger, he was so confident. He had no cares, no worries. He was wild, and I was drawn to it, because I’m wild too. I’m worry free. A ray of fucking sunshine. He told me one of the reasons he liked me so much was because he didn’t feel needed around me. I liked him for noticing that I don’t need anybody but myself in this world. I’m a lone wolf at heart. I like being on my own. I like finding out what I’m made of. 

Recently I’ve moved across the globe to study abroad. It has been tough on us, and its only been two months since I left. We decided to be in a committed relationship even while I’m here, and I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. 

The night before I left, Danger and I made love. I was scared after. Scared that maybe what we did wasn’t the right thing to do. Scared of what these next few months were going to bring. Scared of what I was going to come home to. Being here has made him need me, which scares me more than making love does. I feel so needed and maybe it’s because I’m a lone wolf but I’m not the kind of girl that deals with being needed well. It scares me, and I start to back away. He has me up on a pedestal and I’m not entirely sure if I can grind my teeth and tolerate that pedestal much longer. I like my feet on the ground thankyouverymuch. 

He has his insecurities while I … I don’t. I guess my only flaw in this relationship is being unable to voice my emotions to him, but that’s always been hard since my mentally abusive relationship back in high school. He gets jealous of the guys I hang out with and while I can deal with it for now I just don’t know how far that is going to go. LTR and Rapunzel are pretty much my only two girl friends from college … well, I guess now it’s only LTR since Rappy transferred. (Moment of silence). I have more guy friends than girl friends because that’s just who I am just like his insecurities are who he is. He also says that kissing girls while I’m in a relationship is cheating, which I can 100% understand and I do not argue with that at all, and in fact I agree with him. But that leads me to my next troubled thought.

I have this girl friend back home. Let’s call her Sassy. And when I think about her all I can think about is why didn’t I grab her and kiss her while I was home and still had the chance? I’m attracted to her. I want our fingers to be tangled in each other’s hair and want to know what its like to kiss her neck and hold her hand … intimately. 

Is this wrong of me? Is it wrong of me to crave Sassy while I’m telling Danger that I love him? Is it wrong of me to feel suffocated by being wanted? 

Please, someone, talk to me. 

-Kesha

My darlings LTR and Rapunzel,

There’s is a lot I haven’t told the two of you. There is something that happened to me in the beginning of this summer, something that most would find traumatizing, but instead I took it as a learning lesson and made it a part of my strength. All with the help of a psychic. 

She told me a few days after my own incident that things were going to change for me for one reason: I was finally going to kick that doorstopper out of the way and shut the door to my past for good. It was as simple as that. Then, leaning in close to my ear with a crook of her finger, she whispered that my lucky number was nine, whether it be nine days, weeks, or months, but definitely not nine years.

That psychic was right. 

I shut the door to my past. It was so easy to turn my back on it for good. And then, with a magical flourish, nine days later Danger kissed me, and I haven’t looked back since. 

That spark that I spoke so highly about, only to grow skeptical of, has ignited a flame inside of my chest. Whether this is true love or just a simple love of his company, I will not be giving up on my thrill that easily. Starting tomorrow, Danger and I will have an entire ocean in between us, as well as a 17 hour time difference. He will be here, battling his own demons, and I will be there, struggling to find the balance between loving him and loving Australia. But I know I can get through this, and I know he can, too. I know that whatever happens these next six months isn’t going to matter when I come home. I know that as soon as I see him and I’m wrapped in his arms again, nothing else would have mattered. I am sure of that. 

-Kesh

LTR described it as that feeling you used to get around your best friend in elementary school. Before cliques got in the way. Before social standards, or societal norms, or puberty or your own fucked up thoughts. She described falling in love as the same love you had for your first best friend ever. 

Dear Danger,

I think I’m falling in love with you.

-Kesh

"Charming, you have to come back to protect me from my cat - OW! Get off of my bed, baby cat! I don’t let mean boys in my bed!"

But I guess I might have to start since the only nice one is 179 miles away.

It’s not as hard this time though. And I thought it would be hard living on my own, but that’s not so bad either. And working two jobs isn’t so hard. I’m actually in the process of applying for a third one, believe it or not.

I think the hardest part is when my housemates are actually home. They’re on a two week vacation right now and the freedom I have is actually liberating.

I’ve pretty much been walking around in my scanties drinking red wine out of a mason jar for the past four days.. that’s what’s up.

-LTR

the tall tower is actually several major highways.

It’s not that easy, I know, getting a job and moving out. I’ve seen my sister try.

"Yeah, it’s really stressful, I have to be there for my mom right now. Moving out and getting a job takes a couple months of planning."

So do you have an idea on when you’re moving?

……

I hear myself, believe me. I’m growing impatient.

It’s just that I’m so anxious for the next part of my life. Instead of taking the next step, I am leaping. Steps are cautious and well planned, there is time for the present. But what I want is the future now. An apartment, a well-paid job and ring.

I never thought I’d be in a long distance relationship. My inability to relax and feel sure of myself since the event* has left me needy and hungry for security. Which wonderboy has gladly provided for me, I’m just hungry for more.

I’m tired of a weekend visits every month. I want to make him french toast every morning.

* the event will be referenced to but not talked about. Kesh and LTR are aware of what I’m talking about

We’ve been dancing around each other for a week or two now. Let’s call him Danger, because he is. Dangerous, I mean. He’s all about doing stupid, life threatening things and here I am along for the ride, trusting him 100% not to kill me.

This summer hasn’t been anything that I’ve expected. I’ve made entirely new friends, and my past keeps circling back to me, but I’m firmly shutting that part of my life away, for good. It’s time to break the cycle. 

Danger is a part of breaking that cycle. I can feel myself giving myself into his waiting hands, trusting him. BEcause that’s what life is: it’s about making mistakes, and falling for the wrong people. It’s about heartbreak, breaking hearts, mistake after mistake, and danger. 

-Kesh

There’s a handful of times in every girls’ life where she’ll be standing under the shower, a hand clamped over her mouth, tears pouring down her face and only two words will be running through her head; never again

  • Never again will I let anyone in
  • Never again will I trust someone
  • Never again will I fall in love
  • Never again will I ever let a boy break my heart
  • Never again will I let someone make me feel as unwanted as he did

Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. 

Never again will I ever, ever let anyone make me feel that way. It’s always the trusty ones that stab you in the back. Know that. 

-Kesha