How are you? Its been a while. A lot has happened since I last wrote, and I have a lot on my mind tonight, so I think I’ll just spit it out.
When I met Danger, he was so confident. He had no cares, no worries. He was wild, and I was drawn to it, because I’m wild too. I’m worry free. A ray of fucking sunshine. He told me one of the reasons he liked me so much was because he didn’t feel needed around me. I liked him for noticing that I don’t need anybody but myself in this world. I’m a lone wolf at heart. I like being on my own. I like finding out what I’m made of.
Recently I’ve moved across the globe to study abroad. It has been tough on us, and its only been two months since I left. We decided to be in a committed relationship even while I’m here, and I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do or not.
The night before I left, Danger and I made love. I was scared after. Scared that maybe what we did wasn’t the right thing to do. Scared of what these next few months were going to bring. Scared of what I was going to come home to. Being here has made him need me, which scares me more than making love does. I feel so needed and maybe it’s because I’m a lone wolf but I’m not the kind of girl that deals with being needed well. It scares me, and I start to back away. He has me up on a pedestal and I’m not entirely sure if I can grind my teeth and tolerate that pedestal much longer. I like my feet on the ground thankyouverymuch.
He has his insecurities while I … I don’t. I guess my only flaw in this relationship is being unable to voice my emotions to him, but that’s always been hard since my mentally abusive relationship back in high school. He gets jealous of the guys I hang out with and while I can deal with it for now I just don’t know how far that is going to go. LTR and Rapunzel are pretty much my only two girl friends from college … well, I guess now it’s only LTR since Rappy transferred. (Moment of silence). I have more guy friends than girl friends because that’s just who I am just like his insecurities are who he is. He also says that kissing girls while I’m in a relationship is cheating, which I can 100% understand and I do not argue with that at all, and in fact I agree with him. But that leads me to my next troubled thought.
I have this girl friend back home. Let’s call her Sassy. And when I think about her all I can think about is why didn’t I grab her and kiss her while I was home and still had the chance? I’m attracted to her. I want our fingers to be tangled in each other’s hair and want to know what its like to kiss her neck and hold her hand … intimately.
Is this wrong of me? Is it wrong of me to crave Sassy while I’m telling Danger that I love him? Is it wrong of me to feel suffocated by being wanted?
Please, someone, talk to me.